Once upon a time…

Ferret has had a number of submissions sent in so far and would like to thank my readers for doing so.

Here is one from earlier today:

Once upon a time there was an old crone who lived in a sleepy but beautiful village called Hemsworth in West Yorkshire.

The villagers had been through bad years but were working hard and had started to see better times.

The crone called herself “Lady” Maleficent Martin and lived an Idyllic life by the side of twin lakes with sandy beaches and wood lined perimeters with her loving sidekick Gormless Gordon, who was the gate keeper to this paradise that had been created by the Serfs.

“Gormless” wailed Lady Maleficent, whilst sat on her throne “bring me another toilet roll, get one from the Waterpark toilets if we’ve run out again”.

Gormless Gordon did his Lady’s bidding and returned from the park panting and clutching the half-used roll. “Here you are my precious, sorry I took so long but I had to go to Vale head park to find one”

“That’s alright, I’ve only just finished – it was a beauty, now get the roll and start wiping”

“Now that’s finished, better out than in as they say, I want to talk to you” said Lady Maleficent, “I don’t like all these peasants in my park”.

“But my flower petal, the park is not ours, it’s theirs”

“What” wailed Lady Maleficent “It’s mine and I want it and I want it now. Bring that Minion to me”

“Which one?” replied Gormless

“The stupid one with the big mouth”

“Do you mean Kalamity Kenyon?”

“Is he the one that printed himself all those qualifications from the Internet?” continued Lady Maleficent.

“Yes, that’s him”, He must be really bright to get all those qualifications thought Gormless.

Gormless Gordon then hurriedly left, he knew his lady didn’t like to be kept waiting, worse still she may need the toilet again, and if he wasn’t there to wash and wipe she would put an evil spell on him.

The last time she did this he was joined to the Labour party and then the UKIP party followed by joining the Hemsworth plotters cabal. Heaven forbid he might end up a Tory!  He shuddered at this thought, no one but him was cleaning his beloved’s backside.

A little while later, Gormless Gordon returned with Kalamity Kenyon, who was carrying his briefcase full of credentials, Whining Wilson, not very bright but can lift heavy things, Dubious Dave Pringle, able to outshout a ships foghorn and Moaning Mitchell, who once competed for England in the “best moaner of our time cos its never his fault” competition.

“Just in time” said Lady Maleficent “I’m getting ready to go again and we’re out of paper, half a roll doesn’t go very far”

“Get up off your knees you worthless piles of crap and tell me how you’re going to make this park mine”

Kalamity Kenyon raised up a little but kept his eyes lowered, half hiding behind his brief case

“Your Ladyship o great one, I’ve got a scam and I’m sure it will work but…….”

“What do you mean but…….?” screamed her Ladyship

Kalamity knew he could be in serious trouble if he didn’t deliver the goods, he started “wwwwell ttthis plan will work but it wwwill take some time……….”

“I’m listening and stop stuttering” said Lady Maleficent with an evil glint in her eye.

Kalamity continued trying his best to contain his fear of this awesome creature “We’ll start planting fears and spreading lies about our Town leaders”

“And what use is that you’ve been known as a liar all your life” shrieked Lady Maleficent

“Yes, but this time we’ll keep saying it, time after time, we’ll disrupt meeting after meeting we’ll spread the word far and wide and the killer punch……..”

“Go on” said her Ladyship

“I’ll put it all in writing and we’ll distribute it throughout the Kingdom” smiled Kalamity

“Will there will be consequences for distributing lies?” questioned her Ladyship

“Not for me” laughed Kalamity Kenyon hysterically “I’ve got nowt so they can’t even take me to Court”